Have you ever felt like you don't belong in a room? Do you feel like other people are smarter, faster, wittier, funnier, and more capable than you?
What would it be like to walk into a room—a conference room, for example—and feel calm and confident? No matter the circumstances.
Those who have worked with me in an executive coaching program know that I’m a strong advocate for managing emotions and the body. They are the key to your impact. And it starts with you—with the relationship you have with yourself.
Growing up, there was a lot of tension in my family. My superpower became the ability to sense the atmosphere and attune myself to the needs of others. As soon as I walk into a room, I immediately sense the atmosphere and become aware of the undercurrent: the unspoken words, the needs and desires of others. Of course, this can be a great help. But it can also be my Achilles’ heel.
Since I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery for nearly half a century, I’ve discovered a number of benefits along the way. This is what I've learned.
Leadership comes from within. It starts with leading yourself—not out of fear, but out of self-compassion.
The secret to commanding a room isn't dominance or the volume of your voice.
It is clarity, calm, and connection.
Here are five science-backed tips to help you dominate any space, no matter what it is.
1. Start with calm (you are the calm guide)
Imagine you walk into a room—whether it’s a meeting, a keynote speech, or a social gathering—and meet someone for the first time; you form an impression of that person. In a fraction of a second, you subconsciously ask yourself: Can I trust this person? Will he or she help me feel confident, safe, or inspired?
Funny story… I used to watch every episode of Cesar Millan, the dog whisperer. He taught dog owners to be calm and assertive when guiding a dog. Now, I’m not suggesting you should start treating people like dogs. On the contrary. But you do want to be the calm guide.
Research from Harvard Business School shows that people who appear calm under pressure are seen as more competent and trustworthy. Composure—standing firmly, relaxed shoulders, deliberate movements—conveys authority even before you say a word.
In the words of Joseph Campbell in his book ‘The Hero's Journey’: Your audience (the hero) is overwhelmed, and you (the guide) have the task of showing them: I’ve got this under control.
Neuroscience supports this: people are programmed to mirror emotional states. If others are stressed and you are calm, they will adjust to match your state.
Do you have a daily practice that helps you train your nervous system to stay calm? We all spend so much time in a state of stimulation that we need the opposite practice—silence, stillness, and deep breathing—to train ourselves to enter a calm state.
Practice this for 5 to 20 minutes every day, and over time you'll be surprised at how much your response to challenging situations changes.
What can you do in a room? Pause before you say anything. Breathe. Plant your feet firmly on the ground. Let the silence work for you. Silence sends a signal to the space: you are safe here.
2. Use eye contact to build trust (not to intimidate)
Eye contact is one of the fastest ways to build trust. Research in social psychology shows that appropriate eye contact enhances perceptions of credibility, warmth, and self-confidence.
Daniel Goleman, a leading researcher in the field of emotional intelligence, writes: “The most effective leaders have one crucial trait in common: they all possess a high degree of emotional intelligence.”
Eye contact is emotional intelligence in action. It conveys presence, attention, and respect—three things that every person or audience craves.
What can you do? Maintain eye contact for 3–5 seconds with each person. Focus on connection, not control.
3. Let your body tell the same story as your words
Be a duck. Project calmness on the outside. If your words convey confidence but your body language conveys fear, the audience will believe your body language.
Research on embodied cognition shows that posture not only influences how others perceive you, but also how you feel and perform. Amy Cuddy, a professor of social psychology at Harvard, sums this up clearly: “Our bodies change our thoughts, our thoughts change our behavior, and our behavior changes our results.”
What about that inner critic? That sabotaging voice, those irrational thoughts that you're a fraud? It has to be authentic.
This was a huge revelation to me.
Most people try to use their thoughts to calm themselves down. They try to think positively. They believe that the problem can be solved at the level of mindset.
No. No, that's not true. The gateway to true peace is opened through the physical: the body. Relax your body, and your mind will find peace.
Psychological stress and emotional states can manifest physically as muscle tension, particularly in the neck, shoulders, and jaw. This was demonstrated by Habib Yaribeygi’s 2017 study.
What can you do? Stretch, do push-ups, and practice breathing exercises. Align your body with your message. Adopt an open posture, with a straight back, relaxed shoulders, and arms uncrossed. This will help you project confidence and approachability.
And when you work with me in an executive coaching program, you’ll discover your own personal power pose that helps you feel more confident, no matter where you are.
4. Talk less, say more (clarity is charisma)
Are you the type of person who starts stuttering when you get nervous? Stuttering can detract from your appearance.
Cognitive science shows that the brain rewards clarity with trust. Leaders who communicate concisely are therefore seen as more intelligent and persuasive.
Nervousness usually starts when you think it’s all about YOU. How about viewing the topic at hand, figuratively speaking, as a piece of paper between you and the other people in the room? Make a distinction between yourself, personally, and the content.
By focusing on the purpose of your message, you can see yourself as an instrument for the greater good. You’ll be less distracted by your inner thoughts and more focused on the greater purpose you’re here to fulfil.
Controlling the room doesn't mean you have to say everything, but rather that you say the right things, briefly and simply, and then stop. Use tip number 2 and make eye contact with the people in the room. Engage them in conversation and invite others to join in.
What can you do? Slow down. Keep your sentences shorter. Leave some space. Speak more softly and from your diaphragm. Clarity makes people lean in. And lay out the content clearly.
5. Make the space the hero (not yourself)
When you take the spotlight off yourself and focus on how others are feeling, you immediately strengthen your presence. Research on prosocial behavior shows that people are drawn to those who make them feel seen and appreciated.
When I was little, I never would have dreamed that listening and asking questions were such important skills. The world is full of people who talk and express their opinions. And yet, everyone has a basic need to be heard and to feel appreciated.
What you can do with your presence is let others feel: “I am important right now.”
Conclusion: Ask thoughtful questions. Acknowledge others. Presence grows as the ego shrinks.
Final thoughts
As Michael Cane says: stay calm on the surface, and paddle like a duck underwater. Using creativity and humor brings a sense of lightness to the room. This can help you feel calm and help others relax as well. It’s what you bring into the room that has the intended impact.
Because commanding a room isn’t about having the loudest voice, nor is it about dominance. It’s about being the clearest guide. When you exude calmness, speak clearly, and make a genuine connection, people don’t just notice you.
They trust you.
And trust is the strongest presence of all.
Are you curious about what it's like to work with me? Plan a 30-minute call.
English 
Nederlands