{"id":3471,"date":"2024-12-09T11:55:49","date_gmt":"2024-12-09T10:55:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marijnevandenkieboom.com\/?p=3471"},"modified":"2024-12-12T10:48:30","modified_gmt":"2024-12-12T09:48:30","slug":"stop-met-redden-in-relaties-de-dramadriehoek","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marijnevandenkieboom.com\/en\/coaching\/stop-met-redden-in-relaties-de-dramadriehoek\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop saving in relationships - the drama triangle"},"content":{"rendered":"<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"3471\" class=\"elementor elementor-3471\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-a20c41a e-con-full e-flex e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"a20c41a\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-8eea5d3 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"8eea5d3\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Is a relationship costing you a lot of energy? Do you feel the drama building up again? Chances are there is a destructive pattern we call the drama triangle.<\/p><p><strong>Spoiler-alert<\/strong>: you have a stake in it yourself!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-01f0c2b e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"01f0c2b\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2007dfd elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-widget elementor-widget-image\" data-id=\"2007dfd\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"image.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"512\" height=\"512\" src=\"https:\/\/www.marijnevandenkieboom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/drama-triangle.png\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-image-3475\" alt=\"\" \/>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-97d142a elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"97d142a\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Soaps and intrigues are full of them. Dramas. In a good drama, there are three roles to play: <em>the rescuer, the victim, and the persecutor<\/em>.<\/p><p>The drama triangle can occur in both private and business relationships. It is also common in family and partner relationships.<\/p><p>According to Karpman, who developed the drama triangle from Transactional Analysis, the intention of every role is good. But somewhere something goes wrong and only 10 per cent of the good intentions remain.<\/p><ul><li>This is how the <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Victim disregards<\/span> their own resolution options. <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">.<\/span> .<\/li><li>The <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Rescuer<\/span> keeps the victim <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">dependent<\/span> and does not trust that the person can do it themselves.<\/li><li>The <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Persecutor<\/span> thinks he is feeling good by <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">rejecting others<\/span>.<\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1507cef elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"1507cef\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">Courage<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e77f63b elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"e77f63b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>It takes guts to avoid this psychological game and deal with the <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">reality.<\/span>. Being open about what you need, setting boundaries and taking personal responsibility.<\/p><ul><li>it requires the <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Victim to act realistically<\/span> , to take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and needs. <em>Making oneself vulnerable and actively seeking solutions to problems. <\/em>towards solutions for problems.<\/li><li>The <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Rescuer<\/span> shifts to positively <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">helping<\/span> and <em>doing nothing more or less<\/em> than agreed.<\/li><li>The <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">Persecutor<\/span> can give positive <span style=\"color: #759c8a;\">feedback<\/span> without hurting the other person and be clear about their own <em>boundaries<\/em>.<\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>Does this sound familiar? How to get from the drama triangle to a winner's triangle.<\/p><p>Let me provide two examples from my practice:<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-3b29782 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"3b29782\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>1 In my work as a psychologist, I meet two parents who have a son who uses drugs. They want to do everything they can to put him on the right path. They have noticed that he has been stealing money and smoking in the house despite prohibition. He keeps promising to get better. It costs the mother in particular a lot with energy and she is at her wit's end. They have had many conversations with the son, in which the parents came to agreements for change. But time after time, things went wrong and they discovered that he was using again anyway.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-ae7aac8 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"ae7aac8\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>2 During an executive leadership retreat, a participant brings up a conflict he has with his fellow executive. The latter constantly interferes with his work. Much of the group contributes suggestions and advice. Despite these being good, each time the participant says he has already tried something like this. With each advice, he emphasises why it does not work. The feeling that arises among the group is helplessness. The conversation seems to go in circles and meanwhile nothing changes.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-a9b092c elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"a9b092c\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Especially if you have this feeling more often with someone, ask yourself what is really happening. The drama triangle, as mentioned, has three roles. I describe them briefly.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-710ba70 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"710ba70\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-40e6692 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"40e6692\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2ff1c9e elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"2ff1c9e\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The victim role<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7223a6b elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7223a6b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>The word \u2018victim\u2019 may sound a bit heavy-handed. With this attitude, someone implicitly or explicitly gives the message that they are suffering from a situation.  The victim often evokes a feeling in you that you should help him or her.<\/p><p>For example, when:<\/p><ul><li>A friend who comes to you for advice;<\/li><li>A colleague struggling with a conflict with another colleague and asking you for advice;<\/li><li>a partner who is resentful for a long time because you did not do what he or she had hoped.<\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-4d6bc40 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"4d6bc40\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2c02f6e elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"2c02f6e\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>\"I am not okay\"<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-af5fc1b elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"af5fc1b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2065479 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"2065479\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2e8823e e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"2e8823e\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2be2c6a elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"2be2c6a\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>\"I am okay\"<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-36b67e7 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"36b67e7\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-f19ddbc elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"f19ddbc\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The rescuer role<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9e76889 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"9e76889\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>From this role, you do all sorts of things to please the other person (the victim). You can do this by:<\/p><ul><li>being nice;<\/li><li>being helpful;<\/li><li>giving advice and\/or<\/li><li>provide solutions that you are convinced will help.<\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>If you do this from the rescuer role, you will discover to your surprise that your colleague, friend or partner is not cheering and happy with the solutions, but resisting. The reaction you get is from the accuser role in the other person.<\/p><p>From the example above, both parents as well as the other participants during the retreat did their best to help and encourage the other to change. This did not lead to an enthusiastic response.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-dc6c969 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"dc6c969\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-8e22d26 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"8e22d26\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e844ae8 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"e844ae8\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-ae09cde elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"ae09cde\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The persecutor role<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-aa0b475 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"aa0b475\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Now comes the frustration. Nothing changes, not even a thank you, all that energy put in for nothing. Thank you for nothing.<\/p><p>Because as in the example, the son continued to use drugs. Despite all efforts and agreements. Even the retreat participant turned out not to have done anything with the advice. The rescuer then still feels responsible for the other person and continues to help. How does that work?<\/p><p>Persecutor and victim are in fact one and the same person. There is just a different role. Perhaps unintentionally, advice, solutions, and the like are dismissed by the accuser with comments like:<\/p><ul><li>\u2018You don't really understand what I'm going through...\u2019;<\/li><li>\u2018It's easy for you to talk, but in MY situation....\u2019;<\/li><li>\u2018I already tried something like that, and it didn't work\u2019.<\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>The mood of the statements is: \u2018 yes-but...\u2019. When the first yes-but falls, he is basically saying \u2018no\u2019 to what you say. The persecutor does not always have to say something. Even by doing nothing, the rescuer experiences the message that he has not done well (enough).<\/p><p>The rescuer responds to the persecutor role by saving even more. First he does so out of love or commitment, then irritation, helplessness, and eventually fatigue set in. This fatigue can lead to burnout symptoms.<\/p><p>In fact, both victim and rescuer are trapped in the same system. The rescuer actually believes that what he does has a positive effect on the victim. The victim feeds that belief through his behaviour.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1780a2e e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"1780a2e\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-84cf18f elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"84cf18f\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>\"You are not okay\"<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c5b12fe elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"c5b12fe\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-b2ed17a elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"b2ed17a\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">You're perpetuating it yourself.<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-f842408 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"f842408\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Despite all the rescuer's good intentions, nothing changes in the victim. As a helper, you may ask yourself, \u2018Am I actually helping the other person?\u2019 and \u2018Is anything really changing?\u2019. And if the honest answer is \u2018not\u2019, or \u2018not yet\u2019, chances are you have been caught up in the drama triangle.<\/p><p>Because it is not in the quality of your advice, the solutions provided, your service attitude, the best intention. It is in the victim's attitude. There is something in the victim's attitude that causes all your attempts to help to fail. \u00a0<\/p><p>The problem the victim is struggling with is not that he or she lacks knowledge, or that your help is no good, but that he is afraid.<\/p><p>This fear can be the fear of:<\/p><ul><li>change;<\/li><li>responsibilities;<\/li><li>growing up;<\/li><li>the consequence of choices<\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-6beabc8 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"6beabc8\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>1 The son has problems becoming an adult and coping with responsibility. Because he finds it difficult to handle his fears, it is easier to remain addicted. Addiction is for him a solution, an escape route.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-5e686a9 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"5e686a9\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>2 In the retreat example, the participant is actually afraid of the conflict. He believes the conflict could derail so much that he could lose his job. And he cannot handle that.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7a8b806 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"7a8b806\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The blind spot<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-fd81630 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"fd81630\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>What you don't or can't see as a rescuer is that helping actually perpetuates the behaviour. The rescuer is protecting the victim from (more) pain. You are not teaching him to deal with frustration and pain.<\/p><p>In the role of rescuer, you try incredibly hard, while the victim just sits back and criticises, so to speak. In fact, the victim is not a problem owner. As long as the rescuer keeps rescuing, the victim does not have to move. From a compassion or love perspective, this is understandable, but you can admit to yourself that of the two, you work the hardest.<\/p><p>You often hear the rescuer making statements like:<\/p><ul><li>\u2018As long as I can still influence him, there is hope for change\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018If I don't help, things will get completely out of hand\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018If I stop helping, he will collapse\u2019<\/li><li>\u2018If I stop helping, he will be completely unhappy\u2019<\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-667a3d5 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"667a3d5\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>1 These are exactly the concerns the parents had. They begin to see that their son actually has a luxury hotel at their house. In fact, all he has to do is regularly say \u2018sorry\u2019 and promise improvement and tempers are once again calmed. He does not have to change because there are no serious consequences. The parents become aware that they have believed in an illusion, namely his change. They understand that they will never be able to shoulder the responsibility of their son's life.<\/p><p>Despite their efforts, they cannot force their son to be happy. By discussing estimation of the actual dangers of quitting saving, they can look at his addiction more realistically. The son has to learn to stand on his own two feet.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-50a6ea7 elementor-drop-cap-yes elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-drop-cap-view-default elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"50a6ea7\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-settings=\"{&quot;drop_cap&quot;:&quot;yes&quot;}\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>2 During the retreat, we get into a conversation as a group about how continuing to advise and help will not move our participant forward. Engaging in conflict is exciting. Group members begin to see that their feelings of powerlessness are a logical consequence of the drama triangle. This puts the focus of the conversation on feelings that are on everyone's mind. When participants say \u2018I can't\u2019, they are actually saying \u2018I don't want to\u2019.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-8bf5682 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"8bf5682\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>We can do our best to help the other person, but the other person ultimately chooses for or against the change, for or against life. However, we can do our best to guide and support the other person towards problem ownership.<\/p><p>By maintaining the status quo, a victim does not have to face his pain and fears and take matters into his own hands.<\/p><p>We are better off teaching someone to deal with pain than continuing to protect them from it. I once wrote a blog about how the painful experiences in our lives are our greatest teachers.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e12dd90 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"e12dd90\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The persecutor protests<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e87e90f elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"e87e90f\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Now you must be thinking \u2018I'll stop saving\u2019. Exactly. And then prepare to face resistance. The persecutor will pull out all the stops to avoid changing. The predictable reactions are:<\/p><ul><li>'You can't do this to me';<\/li><li>\u2018I'm going to collapse\u2019;<\/li><li>\u2018I thought I could trust you\u2019;<\/li><li>\u2018You are the only one who makes me happy\u2019;<\/li><li>\u2018I thought you were my friend\u2019<\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>These statements often provoke discussions that can lead the rescuer to doubt himself. As long as that happens, the conversation need not be about the real problem: the fear of responsibility, growing up, etc. Not that I believe anyone deliberately chooses the victim role. Usually, there is no intentionality. Rather, victimisation often comes from not being aware of one's own strengths and abilities.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2fc96e7 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"2fc96e7\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">Emotional honesty is the solution<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-577095d elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"577095d\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Emotional honesty means that both learn to talk about their deepest feelings and needs. By feelings, I think of disappointment, anger, fear, pain, sadness, and shame. The most difficult statement in a relationship is to say, \u2018I need you\u2019. Only when this statement is made from equality is a real encounter possible.<\/p><p>Such a conversation can only take place in connection, i.e. you actually give each other space to tell what is on your heart, while the other is fully available with their attention. After one has told everything, the roles are reversed, and the other can speak his heart out.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7f079ed e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"7f079ed\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-cc02383 elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-widget elementor-widget-image\" data-id=\"cc02383\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"image.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" width=\"512\" height=\"512\" src=\"https:\/\/www.marijnevandenkieboom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/drama-triangle-reverse.png\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-image-3474\" alt=\"\" \/>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9f0aa8a elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"9f0aa8a\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<ul><li>Do not manipulate others by denouncing or bailing them out<\/li><li>don't let yourself be manipulated<\/li><li>look for options<\/li><li>find out what you really want and then ask for it<\/li><li>give and request sincere feedback and appreciation<\/li><li>do not put energy into things you perceive as negative<\/li><li>Appreciate yourself for avoiding the game<\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>And if you are still in the Drama Triangle, getting out is always possible!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-5d9de88 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"5d9de88\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">How it ended<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-82aa23b elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"82aa23b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>You may be wondering how did that son turn out? Very well! The parents told their son that they wanted him out of the house and that they would help him find the right help for his drug problem. As to be expected, he pulled out all the stops to keep the situation unchanged. He accused them of being bad parents, that he would end up on the streets and then it would be their fault; he also said, \u2018Are you Christians now?\u2019<\/p><p>They stood firm because they knew this would help him best. With their help, he eventually joined a counselling agency. It became a difficult road to independence for him, but he succeeded. Through it all, the contact between the parents and their son has become closer.<\/p><p>And the student from the retreat? He learned to take the risk to make the conflict negotiable. He discovered that the disaster scenarios were mostly ghosts in his head and that he needed to become more \u2018visible\u2019 in what he did and did not like. In the days that followed, you saw him grow by showing more and more courage to stand up for himself.<\/p><p>Will you let me know if this helped you?<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Kost een relatie je veel energie? Voel je het drama weer opbouwen? Grote kans dat er sprake is van een destructief patroon dat we de dramadriehoek noemen. Spoiler-alert: je hebt er zelf een aandeel in! Soaps en intriges zijn er vol mee. Drama\u2019s. In een goed drama zijn er drie rollen te verdelen: de redder, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[23],"class_list":["post-3471","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-coaching"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Stop met redden in relaties - de dramadriehoek &#8226; Marijne van den Kieboom<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Ik ben Marijne van den Kieboom, Executive Coach, Leiderschapstrainer en Psycholoog.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.marijnevandenkieboom.com\/en\/coaching\/stop-met-redden-in-relaties-de-dramadriehoek\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Stop met redden in relaties - de dramadriehoek &#8226; 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